• Ashley Valli

How to Put On Makeup in the Morning


Stressed about your exams? Needing more time to yourself? Wish Dan from engineering would stop editing you out of group photos? Maybe you’ve gotten ugly! Read here for some simple tips on how to unveil the woman beneath that study-made drama.

1. Wake up just an hour before having to leave for the uni bus. This way you won't have to do trivial things like eat a nutritious breakfast or do some last-minute study. It can wait. This needs focus. If those cheeks are gaunt – then we have the perfect palette for contour application!

2. If, by chance, you have yet to purchase expensive designer makeup like a two-hundred dollar brow pencil from Chanel, do not attend classes for today and instead invest in better lifestyle choices. What's better: excessive spending on groceries that'll expire anyway or your eyebrows? FYI: You want those eyebrows future-ready, unlike your degree.


3. Okay, so you've chosen to start with your fifty-dollar MAC Studio Face and Body Foundation, stylishly the size of a child's pinkie finger. Remember how when putting repair serum through your hair you should squeeze out roughly the size of a pea? Divide that by twenty. This isn't kindergarten art class.


4. If you decide you're getting peckish, apply cheaper makeup to your lips. Usually those ones are fruity-scented for the weaker-willed such as yourself. Chanel lippy is for big girls who satiate their cravings for the sake of keeping their lipstick intact. Kiddies: if you’re wearing lipstick over forty dollars, your meals are through a straw.


5. Here’s where you twig-lipped disappointments are saved: lipliner. Kylie Jenner has given hope to us all with her money-saving technique. However, this will probably require one full lipliner for the application… draw on your lips until you look like you’re ready for a career as one of those wide-mouthed laughing clowns at a festival stand.


6. You want your eyes dark enough for everyone to know your sins. Like the sort of sins Taylor Momsen must have committed halfway through her Gossip Girl days. It’s when you think it’s starting to get a bit too dark for your face that. You. Must. Keep. Going. Just remember, when you bring out your designer eyeliner pencil (Chanel or go home!), it takes a millisecond to screw up; five minutes to correct. Considering your supreme failure in all other activities in your life, let’s at least try not to miss the bus. Kay?

7. This is a bit late saying, but your life’s a mess so that’s okay: if your resume is more organised than your makeup draw then you have failed yourself as a woman. The rest of your room should dull in comparison.



And remember: makeup’s the one who made you. XX

#humourblog #humourarticle #satire #makeup #womenlife


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